hello, old friend

on going back to ED treatment

Well, at the risk of being cringe, I’ll say it: I’m back in eating disorder treatment. And it’s been something that I’ve needed for a while now. Finally admitting this to myself and then actually following through on getting that help has been a months-long, shame-filled process. Not to mention a logistical nightmare.

Of course, that shame is still there. I feel like I failed or that I’m somehow a fraud because I had once loudly declared “recovery.” I’m embarrassed that I feel like I can never get my shit together or “just eat.” I hate that when I know I’m struggling, I lie to myself and others in an attempt to deny myself of the love and support I crave.

How do you pull yourself out of that hole, when rock bottom is an old, comfortable friend?

For those of you that are not hip to the eating disorder treatment lingo, I’m currently in a partial hospitalization or PHP program. This means I spend 6 hours at the program each day, 5-6 days each week. When I’m at program, I eat breakfast, a morning snack, lunch and an afternoon snack. Then I go home and am responsible for my dinner and nighttime snack. Which feels overwhelming and exhausting so far.

I’m currently packing my bag for tomorrow, which is Day 4. That alone is a huge accomplishment, I think. Please clap. Or tell me you’re proud of me. Whatever you choose. I’m not picky.

I plan on writing in real(-ish) time about what treatment is like this time around, because it’ll make me feel very Carrie Bradshaw-esque, and I think we could all use to feel like a main character when we’re Going Thru It™. And maybe someone out there is also at their version of rock bottom and could use a little email ping from me to remind them that it doesn’t have to be this way forever.

Onto some logistics: Over the summer, I paused (and then unpaused… and then paused…) paid subscriptions while I wrestled with what I want for myself and for this newsletter. So, if you are a paying subscriber, thank you so much for still being along for the ride. And if you aren’t one yet, I hope you’ll consider supporting weightless during this next chapter. I have a feeling that I’ll have a lot more resources and nourishing moments to share with you in upcoming weeks 😊

Take good care of yourself this week!