existing with, and because of, change
sometimes stepping backwards is necessary to move forward
hey, strangers.
The month of October always feels like rebirth, and it’s motivating me to bring this newsletter back with some regularity. It’s been a busy, stressful, exciting, beautiful, hard summer:
Clearly, I’ve had a lot of life changes that kept me busy. And everything I described in that tweet is objectively positive change. I’m so, so grateful. And excited! I love my new job. I can’t wait to move to Portland, Oregon. I am so happy to spend time with my mom and brother in New Jersey for the next few months. I am proud of myself for all of my accomplishments.
But all of this change has not necessarily been kind to my eating disorder recovery.
During therapy, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on the “purpose” of my eating disorder - how it may have served me during different points of my life. It boils down to control: throughout my life, when things felt out of my control (whether that was family stuff, the demands of school or work, dating, friend drama, whatever), I fought for a sliver of control by restricting my food and obsessing over my body.
So this summer, amidst all of that change, my food intake became severely restricted. And it wasn’t on purpose! It was just subconsciously the first thing to go when I strayed from my routine, when my days were not carefully centered around the three meals and three snacks prescribed in my meal plan. It had a huge impact on my energy level, mood, and frankly, my self esteem. Not only did the physical symptoms creep back, but the nasty voice in my head got so much louder. I started to think to myself, “all of these accomplishments would be so much better, these good things in life would feel better, if I were more beautiful.. if I was smaller.” (fact check: we all deserve good things in life, no matter what we look like!)
But here’s the reality: Recovery isn’t linear. Life isn’t, either.
My recovery absolutely took a few steps back this summer. And I’m learning that, sometimes, before you can move forward, you have to take a step back. You might have to temporarily return to who you used to be or return to old habits. And that’s okay. It’s all part of the process.
I think struggling this summer with food and my body helped shed some insight on the areas of my recovery that still need work: I need to start seeing a dietician again, I need to find a new routine, I need to dig deeper and unpack these unkind beliefs I have about myself.
This idea of moving backwards to move forward applies to other areas of my life as well. I decided to move back in with my family in NJ before I make my move out to the west coast. I’m returning to the person I am in my hometown in order to prepare to be my best self out in Oregon. And it’s been great. I’m able to save a little bit of money, spend some quality time with my mom and brother, and reconnect with my hometown friends. Again, it’s all necessary and part of the bigger picture.
What I’m trying to say is: when you are on the cusp of change, when you are becoming someone new or achieving something you’ve never done before, it might be necessary to hold steady for a little while. Hell, it might even be crucial to take a few steps back (and stumble in the process) in order to remember why you wanted to change in the first place. Those steps backwards can inform and propel your movement forward.
This month, I am setting two intentions:
Reframe how I find that sense of control in my life. Rather than using my eating disorder behaviors to find a sense of security, I want to find things I can control within recovery, such as eating breakfast every morning, doing my Yoga with Adriene videos and writing this newsletter.
Accept and embrace who I am now in this moment. I don’t want to beat myself up for all the things I “should” have done or “could” be doing now. I want to remember that I am exactly where and who I am supposed to be.
Thanks for being patient with me as I figured all of this out. It means so much to me.
what’s to come
Even though I haven’t sent out this newsletter in a while, I still spent a lot of time thinking and over-thinking about the future of weightless. I have so many exciting things planned. Some things we’ll talk about:
binge eating disorder (featuring a Q & A with registered dietician Bethany Pellerito aka @bingeeating.dietician)
body image postpartum (featuring a Q & A with fitness trainer Nadia Murdock aka @nadiamurdock)
how to talk to loved ones about your eating disorder (which is something I struggle with. A lot.)
how to care for your loved one who has an eating disorder
what the process is like getting admitted to a higher level of care
getting weighed (or not!) at the doctor’s office
how to find a HAES-informed health provider
why I chose the name of this newsletter
body neutrality
why the BMI is bullshit
how disordered eating behaviors are perpetuated in certain professional industries
I want to hear from you, too. What do you want to talk about? Leave me a comment!
resource corner
This space will be in every edition of weightless moving forward! I’ll include articles, books, videos, social media accounts and more that I find helpful or insightful. But for now, I want to share one resource that has helped me immensely the last few months.
*drum roll please*
Maintenance Phase, a podcast by Aubrey Gordon and Michael Hobbes.
If you’re not listening to it already, do it. Seriously. Aubrey and Michael use science, data and their real life experiences to explain and debunk diet culture, weight loss and “wellness.” Every time I think “well, maybe I should just try this diet” I turn on an episode and IMMEDIATELY think “WTF, we’ve all been scammed!!!!!!” It’s also really helped me reflect on my own biases and behaviors.
what nourished me lately
what nourished my mind: I’ve been loving Anne Helen Peterson’s series about Peloton in her newsletter Culture Study. Read her most recent edition here.
what nourished my soul: Going to the Firefly Music Festival with two of my college friends. Being in the first few rows for Lizzo and crying during the Phoebe Bridgers show is the epitome of nourishing.
what nourished my body: Yoga with Adriene will forever hold a special place in my heart. I’m currently doing her 30-day BREATH series and it’s been nice to slow down and focus on gentle movement and breathing. (S/O to my therapist for suggesting this series.)
what nourished my belly: All of the pumpkin-flavored goodies from Trader Joe’s. Specifically, the pumpkin spice sunflower seeds & the pumpkin bread. It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
What’s nourished you lately? Share it with me!