I only know eating disorder recovery during a pandemic
and I am nervous about what will happen as the world "re-opens"
save the date
To celebrate the launch of weightless, I am teaming up with my friend and favorite food blogger Tessa Trach (@allthecheeseplz on Instagram) for a virtual happy hour cooking class on Tuesday, May 18th at 6:30pm ET. Join us for virtual drinks as Tessa guides everyone through making a yummy whipped ricotta appetizer! We are asking for a suggested $5 donation to Martha’s Table to participate. Sign up and donate here.
I only know recovery during a pandemic
A good friend of mine visited me in DC this weekend. On Saturday night, we went out to dinner at an Italian restaurant in my neighborhood, before going to a nearby bar for drinks.
It was so fun and felt so normal. The evening generally felt indicative of how much positive change has taken place in both my personal life and in the world recently.
My friend and I are both vaccinated, so we felt comfortable dining indoors to escape the chilly spring evening air. People all around us laughed, ate and enjoyed their night with such ease. It was as though the heaviness of the Covid-19 pandemic had lifted from everyone’s shoulders, if only for a few hours.
I mindlessly picked at the bread on the table, split a bottle of wine with my friend, ordered what sounded good to me off the menu (ravioli!) and ate until I was satisfied. It was the first time I wore nice clothes in a long time and felt cool as hell (below is a photo of my outfit so you can compliment it). I scribbled “text me” next to my phone number on a receipt for our bartender.
Through the prism of last Saturday night, I can see the clear progress I have made in my eating disorder recovery. It makes me feel so proud of myself.
But it wasn’t all glistening.
I secretly cried while picking out my outfit, changing five times because none of my favorite dressy clothes fit right anymore. I got upset when my friend took photos of me and I saw how different my face now looks. I obsessively looked at myself, analyzing the shape of my body in form-fitting clothes, in every storefront window we passed on the street.
So, as much as I can see my progress, I can also see the holes and weaknesses in my recovery. I got a glimpse of the things I, and maybe a lot of us, will have to face as the world returns to normal.
Of course, I am excited that soon I’ll have more nights like Saturday night. I’m ready to meet my friends for coffee, dinner, drinks or ice cream. I want to go on dates, go to the beach, attend parties, sit at the pool, dance at weddings, hug my family and see concerts.
But that also means I’ll soon have to accept that my body looks different than it did pre-pandemic and pre-recovery. I’ll have to buy new, larger clothes. I won’t be able to hide behind a computer screen. I’ll have to resist doing the mental gymnastics of making sure I am not perceived as eating ‘too much’ or ‘too little’ while at dinner with colleagues. I’ll have to give up some of the control I feel from cooking all of my meals alone at home. I’ll have to avoid caving into the pressure to lose the stupidly-phrased “Covid 15.” I’ll have to allow myself to exist in a connected, vibrant world exactly as I am.
I am afraid I won’t be able to sustain recovery. I am afraid I will be too overwhelmed by it all, and go back to the comforting façade of my eating disorder.
I don’t think my fears are unique to me. I think a lot of us are feeling anxiety about a post-pandemic world and what our bodies will look like in it. This New York Times article contains some interesting statistics and useful advice to cope with these feelings.
Here are three things that I have been reminding myself of the last couple of days. I hope they are helpful reminders for you, too:
My body has carried me through a deadly pandemic. It did its job and did it well.
My body is the least interesting thing about me.
My friends and family love me no matter what my body looks like.
I am curious to hear from you - have you been feeling negatively about your body lately? Have you been feeling anxious about a post-pandemic world? What has been helping you navigate those feelings? Leave a comment on this post or send me an email!
Take good care of yourself this week,
Julie
social media
In last week’s newsletter, I wrote that I make a conscious effort to follow body-positive and eating disorder recovery influencers on social media. Below are some of the badass people I follow that have helped make my Instagram feed a more encouraging, supportive and inclusive space. Maybe they will help you, too:
what nourished me this past week
what nourished my soul: I was having a really rough day last Thursday. So my mom talked with me on the phone as I cooked, ate and cleaned up dinner. We talked through the situation that was giving me anxiety, the latest drama on our favorite show (Chicago Fire) and the new flowers in her yard. Having “company” during dinner also helped me eat the meal. She’s the best. (P.S. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!)
what nourished my mind: My incredible internet-friend Rainesford Stauffer just published her new book An Ordinary Age: Finding Your Way in a World That Expects Exceptional last week. In a recent essay for InStyle, Rainesford reflects on what it means to be “enough” and how it shapes our lives. The way she writes about her eating disorder in the essay really made me think about much my own eating disorder is rooted in feeling worthy.
what nourished my mind (pt. 2): The most recent edition of Katie Hawkins-Gaar’s newsletter, My Sweet Dumb Brain. It is all about facing our own mortality and how that impacts our life.
what nourished my body: I walked my dog Noelle around my neighborhood while listening to the My Favorite Murder podcast.
what nourished my belly: On Sunday morning, I grabbed an everything bagel with plain cream cheese from Call Your Mother Deli. The best in DC! Last night, I made homemade strawberry shortcake with strawberries from the farmers market. Consider this a PSA to eat the dessert!!!