your eating disorder is lying to you
and it doesn't give a f*ck
interview request
For an upcoming edition of weightless I want to talk to LGBTQ+ folks who have struggled with body image issues, an eating disorder, or disordered eating. You can be anonymous! Respond to this email or DM me on Twitter. I want to hear from you.
your eating disorder is lying to you
It’s true. Your eating disorder lies, gaslights, and manipulates you. It’s like a toxic ex you can’t seem to stop texting (P.S. please stop texting that actual toxic ex, I beg you. Block their number, remove them from your social media and then delete their contact info. Eventually you will laugh laugh laugh when they look at your LinkedIn profile or they like a random Venmo payment from you to your brother. OK, anyway…)
Here are some of the lies that have flashed across my brain like highway billboards:
“No one will love you at this size.”
“People are laughing at how ugly you are.”
“If you don’t precisely track all of your food, you’re a liar.”
“If you didn’t track your workout, it didn’t count.”
“You’re this size because you don’t have any willpower.”
“I’ll feel better when I get to X pounds.”
“Everyone thinks you are gross and is watching how much you eat.”
“You deserve this pain.”
Or, my personal favorite:
“You don’t actually have an eating disorder. You’re making it all up.”
Whoof. That one always throws me for a loop. And I think it all. the. time. I said it to my therapist literally last week! Can you believe that? I was so sick I had to take medical leave from work in 2020, I write a whole damn newsletter about ED recovery, and my brain still finds a way to be like, “no ma’am.”
All of those mean, cruel words I wrote above were things I truly believed. Their grip around me was so tight, I couldn’t see any other reality. Over time, those lies got louder and louder. They got more powerful and I became more obedient to them.
But the thing is, even when I followed all of my eating disorder’s rules to a T, it still wasn’t good enough. Even when I was severely restricting my food, or doing any of the exhausting things I thought were my price to pay for existing in this body, my eating disorder was never satisfied. I never felt more lovable or more worthy. The goal post kept moving.
It has taken so much work in therapy to even begin to challenge those lies and unlearn all of that mental torture. Even now, despite all the work in recovery, it’s all still present. But, thankfully, it’s a little quieter. My eating disorder is now a static buzzing in the copy room of my brain, rather than the screaming CEO with a big windowed office. That feels like something to be proud of.
“You are not those thoughts,” is something my therapist tells me a lot. That’s been a really helpful reframe. I can have those horrible eating disorder thoughts, but that doesn’t mean they are true or that they define me.
That’s why I sometimes personify my eating disorder. I have to separate the things it makes me think, feel and do from who I am as a person. It helps to say to myself “that’s my eating disorder talking” or “my eating disorder is acting up today.” It allows me to acknowledge the thought, decipher why it’s coming up, and then leave it behind as I move on with my day.
I think acknowledging we are not our thoughts is helpful, no matter what is going on in our heads. Whether it’s depression, anxiety or any other mental illness, it’s important to remember that those things are not you. You are loved, valued, badass, strong and resilient.
Take good care of yourself this week,
Julie
give me suggestions
What do you want to see in this newsletter? Who do you want me to talk to? What do you want me to write about? What questions do you have about eating disorders/disordered eating/diet culture/“wellness” culture/mental health? Email me (juliegall95@gmail.com) or DM me on Twitter (@_JulieGallagher)
what nourished me this past week
what nourished my soul: I went to a Baltimore Orioles game this weekend with friends. I didn’t watch a second of the game, but thoroughly enjoyed eating a hot dog, drinking beer, and laughing with my friends. Plus we got these amazing hats:
what nourished my mind: The death of the girlboss by Alex Abad-Santos for Vox
what nourished my mind (pt. 2): ‘I’m here by myself’: Grappling with chronic pain in a pandemic by Alexa Mikhail for The 19th
what nourished my mind (pt. 3): My friend Chelsea sent me this piece in The Cut about the return of FOMO. We were just talking on Saturday about how weirdly lonely we felt, even though we’re busier and more social than we have been in a year. It’s comforting to know this feeling isn’t unique to me.
what nourished my belly: My mom makes the best grilled cheeses. She makes them with apple, mustard and whatever fancy cheese is in the refrigerator on sourdough bread. So yummy. I was craving one this weekend, so I made my own. Obviously not as good as hers, but it did the trick!
what nourished my body: I impulsively signed up for the NJ half marathon. I’ve started running more. It’s hard, but it feels good to see miniscule improvements in my stamina. I’ve been trying really hard to remember this is a way to honor and celebrate my body and not punish it or manipulate it. Please send me running tips and (body-neutral) encouragement! I need it.